OH, I CAN DO THIS
Have you ever had a chore……… that you thought was SO simple……. that rather than paying someone to do it……you’ll do it YOURSELF?! Of course you have! Well, I recently had a fuel pump replaced on my Maxima. Instead of having the mechanic (shade tree variety) replace the fuel filter as well, I decided OH, I CAN DO THIS. To be fair, I did have experience replacing a fuel filter. Back in 1979, I replaced the fuel filter in my Toyota Celica ST…….took about ten minutes. Done….and away I drove. That was then, THIS is NOW! The fuel filter is between two hoses…one hose on the bottom coming from….somewhere……and the other hose on the top of the filter going…….somewhere else. All I had to do was disconnect the two hoses, replace the filter and reconnect the two hoses. Simple, right……WRONG! LAWD HAVE MERCY!! It took me an hour to unscrew the clamp holding the hose to the top of the filter….AN HOUR! After finally getting the clamp off the hose, I couldn’t get the hose off the filter. My big hands trying to reach into this little small tight area, my back hurting cuz I was all bent over, face all up in the motor feeling the heat from the engine, mosquitoes biting and buzzing all around, me swattin at ‘em but only smacking myself all up side the face with greasy dirty hands……LAWD HAVE MERCY, HELP ME somebody. Finally, I worked that top hose off of the filter and WHOOSH……gas shot up like a geyser. I jumped like an Olympian high jumper, head hit the hood, the hood came down on me, gas all over my forearm, fumes got my eyes watering, I’m gagging……LAWD HAVE MERCY, HELP ME somebody! I ran in the house to get a paper cup (to catch the gas….why I dunno). By the time I got back, gas had stop coming out of the filter. Wife comes from inside the house talking bout something’s wrong cuz the house SMELLS LIKE GAS. The house smells like gas? What about me? I’m a walking Molotov cocktail. Open a window in the house, it’ll be alright. Meanwhile, back to work, gotta unscrew the clamp on the bottom hose. What the?!?? How am I supposed to unscrew this thing? What little itty bitty teeny tiny hands put this thing in here in the first place? The Lilliputians of Gulliver’s Travels or the Munchkins from the Wizard of Oz? I’m under that hood fumbling, bumbling and mumbling. For whatever reason, my lips kept getting dry, so I’d wet ‘em by licking my lips. After a while, my lips felt like they were burning….but I kept on task…..then it felt like the inside of my lips and the tip of my tongue was burning….but I kept on task. Finally, something said, “boy, that’s the fumes from that gas all over your lips….you better go rinse with mouthwash.” So, I headed back into the house. Got in the bathroom, looked in the mirror and freaked out……my lips were the size of two slices of cantaloupe (rind side out). I could barely see my nose and chin and when I pursed my lips (like you’re about to kiss someone), I couldn’t see my nose or chin. I screamed “LAWD HAVE MERCY” but it came out “Law-ba ba, habb-ba-ba bercy.” I sounded like Mushmouth from the Cosby kids cartoon. I ran into the bedroom and said to my wife .…”Pam-ba-ba, look at my-ba-ba lip-ba-bas.” She was taking a nap but woke up, looked at me and said with a straight face…..”they look fine to me” and rolled over and went back to sleep. “Whab-ba-ba, Fine?” I ran back to the bathroom and wash those bad boys with Ganoderma soap (see me if you want some), then covered them with Vaseline. I looked like Wanda from “In Living Color”……”Heyyyyyy!” I tied a kerchief around my face (like a cowboy robbing a bank or a stagecoach) to protect those giant lips from the fumes and I went back to work on that filter. I was determined to get it done. People walking by my house would look at me and say “howdy partner” or “whatcha doing….playing cowboys wit yo kid?” I’d reply, “Whab-ba-ba Eber!” Finally, four hours later….I replaced it. Finished!!! DONE!!!! Now, what about these lips? If you hear me on the air say, “Ninety PIBE Seben …..