3 August 09
My wife wanted to buy a new sun dress. I told her “go-head, I got no problem wit it” but she wanted me to go shopping with her. Uh oh……NOW….. I got a PROBLEM! Like any red blooded, normal, male….. I can’t stand shopping. But after giving it some careful consideration, I decided to be a good dutiful husband and accompany her shopping. (Her telling me that she would treat me to a big lunch at a fancy sit down restaurant had NO IMPACT ON MY DECISION.…ABSOLUTELY NONE; however, I did insist that we eat first). The meal was scrumpti-licious to the 3rd power. Of course, after the meal, that “itis” kicked in and all I could do was sit in the car. You could say the wife was “Driving MISTER Daisy.” When we arrived at the store, she became a “shopping commando.” I, on the other hand, was looking for some place to sit down. All stores should have chairs in the woman’s department so husbands can sit down while their wives are shopping. However, all I could find was a cabinet to lean against. I felt like the guy hiding in the Serengheti bush doing a documentary about indigenous life forms, except I was in an urban jungle watching the shopping habits of Homo-sapiens, which I found to be surprisingly interesting. For instance, the male of the species either shops alone or with his mate while the female shops with her mate or in a pack/herd. I noticed one male enter the facility, head directly to his department of choice, select a pair of cargo shorts, and proceed to the cashier to purchase them. His only stop was to the dressing room……where he tried on the shorts……and wore them to the cashier. I assumed the pants he wore into the store were left in the dressing room on the floor (it’s a guy thing to leave clothes on the floor). He was in the store for about 10 minutes. I figured, “hey….that was smart, evidently, he didn’t have any shorts at home, so he bought some and wore ‘em right out the store." Makes sense to me but I don’t think the female of the species would ever do something like that. Matter of fact, I’m sure they find that to be just plain GROSS. Speaking of the females, I noticed a pack/herd of them come into the store……with their young. The entire group would travel from one section to another inspecting garments and commenting on how pretty this one was or how unflattering that one was or how this one would go with some other garment they have at home or how they need some special color of shoes to match this. They tried on a multiplicity of items but the strange thing was, they bought NOTHING……. NADA……ZERO…… ZILCH and they were there for ABOUT 45 MINUTES. On the way out, they conversed about the items they were coming BACK to buy…..are you kidding me……you’re here NOW…..what are you waiting for…..BUY IT! My wife says, “Maybe they don’t have any money.” What! Well...... why are they here……to look? She says….(in a matter of fact tone)......“Yeah.” You’ve got to be kidding me! Forty-five minutes of trying on stuff and you have NO CASH. Child PLEASE! But then….over near the watering hole (the cash register) where all the Homo-sapiens gather…....I spotted a lone empty CHAIR. I stalked it and captured it. So I’m sitting down, chill-laxing, playing Madden football on my cell when it dawned on me….... if I was able to observe the shopping habits of Homo-sapiens over an extended period of time, that meant that MY wife was STILL shopping. She was just NOW trying on a sun dress! She asks my opinion of the dress. I told her it looks great, buy it and let’s go. She went back into the dressing room, I went back to my chair and I didn’t see or hear from her for another 45 minutes. Matter of fact, I had to call her on her cell to see what was taking so long. Turns out, she was on the OTHER side of the store and wanted me to come way over there (leaving my comfortable chair) to give an opinion on the second sun dress she was wearing. The SECOND sun dress…..been here for an hour and a half and this is the SECOND dress she’s tried on. I told her it looks great. She said, “You can’t see it from there." I said "sure I can……it looks just like the first sun dress ‘cept it’s a different color" …..AND …..I was right. It took her two hours plus to buy one sun dress. As we were walking out of the store, I saw a shirt that appealed to me. I found my size and bought it……..it took me seven minutes.......TOP.